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Self-love, or “love of self,” is a high regard for your happiness. Not to be confused with conceitedness, egotism, narcism, selfishness, or vanity, self-love is a basic human necessity. It’s essential for mental health and wellbeing. Healthy self-love is also the foundation for functional relationships. As American scholar Brené Brown explains in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, we can only love other people to the extent that we’ve learned to love ourselves.
“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them—we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.“
Brené Brown
Simply put, you can’t give what you don’t have. You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you want to feel loved and accepted, you must first love and accept yourself. But as I shared in my journey to self-acceptance, loving yourself isn’t always easy. Cultivating unconditional self-love is an ongoing process. Fortunately, you can love yourself more each day by working on five aspects of your life:
Get the self-love guide and keep reading to learn how you can love yourself unconditionally.
Self-Talk
The first step towards self-love is positive self-talk. Self-talk is how you talk to yourself. It’s your inner dialogue. Positive self-talk is essential because you’re the person you speak with the most. Unfortunately, your internal dialogue may be harmful, especially if you struggle with anxiety, depression, other mental health issues, or chronic health problems. To improve your self-talk, identify negative thinking patterns. Negative thoughts include doubts and fears, such as, “I’m fat/stupid/ugly,” or “I can’t do anything right.”
Take those negative thoughts and flip the script. Tell yourself the opposite of what you’re thinking or feeling. Your brain doesn’t know if you’re lying, so tell yourself something positive. If you tell yourself something enough times, it becomes the truth. You can learn more about how to use positive affirmations here.
Self-Care
While self-love starts in your mind, there steps you can take to take care of your body as well. Thoughts become actions, which turn into habits. Focus on creating healthy habits that recharge and replenish. Taking care of yourself will give you the energy you need each day. Self-care basics include:
- Eating healthy food
- Drinking plenty of water
- Exercising regularly
- Brushing your teeth
- Taking a shower
You can also upgrade your self-care with luxurious experiences such as:
- Massage therapy
- Salon visit
- Spa day
Staying in-tune with yourself, your energy levels, and how you’re feeling are essential to self-care. Take time for yourself. Rest, relax, and take a break. Do something new, have fun, and laugh more. For more self-care ideas, download your daily self-care checklist.
There’s no “one-size-fits-all” solution to taking care of yourself. Self-care looks different for each person. Figure out what re-energizes you and schedule time for yourself to do that. Keep in mind that what works for you might not work for someone else, and vice-versa. For example, my mom likes to garden, and my husband likes to read Wikipedia for fun. While they find these activities relaxing, both of these would stress me out. Instead, I enjoy writing to relieve stress and anxiety. You can get the complete anxiety remedy here.
Don’t allow anyone to self-care shame you. Do what’s right for you and let other people do what’s good for them. When you prioritize your self-care, you have the energy you need to achieve your goals and make your dreams come true. You can learn more about holistic self-care and why self-care comes first here.
Self-Confidence
Once you’ve taken care of your mental health (self-talk) and physical health (self-care), you can start building your confidence. Self-confidence is the belief in yourself and your abilities. Not to be confused with self-image or self-esteem, confidence may vary depending on a particular environment, situation, or skillset. For example, a trained doctor would be confident in an operating room but may not thrive on a first date or at a party with strangers. Healthy self-confidence is what empowers you to challenge yourself and try new things.
Self-confidence isn’t being cocky. It’s about maintaining realistic optimism. You can develop your sense of self-confidence by using positive self-talk and affirmations. For example, I avoided learning languages for a long time because I thought it was too hard, and I didn’t believe I could do it. I shifted my mindset to tell myself I can learn something new. It’s okay to make mistakes, and I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Confidence doesn’t mean doing everything right, but believing in yourself enough to try.
Self-Esteem
While confidence applies to particular situations, self-image, also known as self-esteem, applies in any case. Self-esteem is how you view yourself as a person, regardless of your skills or abilities. Using the doctor example, it’s their healthy self-image that allows them to thrive in any environment, not just in a white coat. Your self-image is also how you perceive what others think of you. Having a positive self-image empowers you to stretch your comfort zone and try new things regardless of your skills or abilities.
Self-Sufficiency
The best thing about self-love is when you love yourself, you don’t need anyone else. Self-sufficiency doesn’t mean being a lone wolf, but being satisfied with your own company and being able to spend time on your own without feeling lonely. When you’re self-sufficient, you can enjoy being on your own. You don’t have to rely on other people or be in a relationship. These things are nice, but they’re not necessary.
Conclusion
Loving yourself doesn’t mean being complacent, but pursuing the best version of yourself. Self-love means loving yourself where you’re at, but too much to stay there. When you love yourself, you can be a better person today than you were yesterday and a better person tomorrow than you were today.
Continue your self-love journey with these self-love journal prompts. For additional assistance in becoming the best version of yourself, apply for private coaching here.
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