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Today is my eighth wedding anniversary. I can’t believe it’s been eight years! If you know anything about me or my story, then you know this is a HUGE accomplishment. We made a lot of relationship mistakes along the way, but the journey has been worth it.
My husband and I got married young (I was 20 and he was 21), and it wasn’t always easy. In fact, we made a ton of relationship mistakes. The first few years of our marriage were extremely difficult and we almost didn’t make it!
I wish I’d known how to avoid these relationship mistakes when we were first starting out. But then again, I’ve always been the kind of person that needs to learn things the hard way…
Not to say that it’s easy now (it still takes work), but in cultivating an attitude of gratitude, I’ve grown to love and appreciate my husband more and more each day. We’ve both grown up and grown a lot. There are still some things we need to work on. However, if I’ve learned anything over the past eight years, it’s to try and change myself instead of trying to control other people.
In honor of my anniversary, I’d like to share eight things I’ve learned about marriage and relationships, one for each year that my husband and I have been married. I hope you can learn from my relationship mistakes and [hopefully] avoid them.
Keep reading for the best relationship advice on how to have a happy marriage.
Common Relationship Mistakes and How to Avoid Them
1. Not thinking things through
In general, getting married young is a BAD idea. Getting married because you’re “in love” is a REALLY BAD idea.
Why?
Research shows that the rational part of the human brain isn’t fully developed until age 25. It turns out that I missed the mark by five years! It’s no wonder I did childish things like scream at my husband, throw tantrums, and pout when I didn’t get my way. It’s a miracle my husband put up with me for as long as he did.
If you’re thinking about getting married, especially if you’re under the age of 25, really think things through. The warm, fuzzy feelings of being “in love” wear off quickly, and then you’re left with rent or mortgage, bills and utilities, and three cats. Oh, wait…maybe the cats were just me being a crazy cat lady. Still, if you treat your spouse as poorly as I did, you’ll only have your regrets to keep you warm at night.
2. Not being honest… or being too honest
Cleaning the kitchen while glaring at your husband who’s sitting on the couch minding his own business is not the way to achieve marital bliss. It’s just a really good way to end up frustrated (and sweaty!), but hey, at least your kitchen is clean right?
If you need help, ask for it. The worst thing that can happen is that they say no. And if they say no, well then, they can clean their own damn kitchen, can’t they?
Seriously though, I made the mistake of habitually bottling up my feelings, which invariably led to me exploding (i.e., screaming and throwing tantrums). I kept things to myself because I was afraid of being judged or viewed as “too emotional.” Unfortunately, I ended up embodying the very things I was afraid of!
During the early years of our marriage, I also the mistake of oversharing, saying things like, “I don’t love you.” (*HINT* NEVER SAY THIS! Saying you don’t love someone to their face is one of the biggest relationship mistakes you can make). The truth was that I did love him, but I had [a lot] of unresolved issues and didn’t know how to express myself constructively.
I’m still really emotional, but I’ve learned to do a better job of:
- Processing my feelings (Why do I feel the way I feel? Is there anything I can do about what’s causing me to feel that way?)
- Talking about my feelings if I need some extra help processing them
- Letting go of anger and resentment
I’ve also learned that my husband is really good at helping me to see things rationally. Maybe it’s a guy thing, or maybe I just have a superhero husband. Either way, I’m eternally grateful!
3. Trying to do it all alone
You might think you’re Wonder Woman (or Superman), but trust me, we each have our breaking point.
My breaking point came during the third year of my marriage when we decided to move to Denver. I took a job working as an assistant store manager at a major retail chain while my husband looked for work in his highly specialized field. I worked a full-time job with mandatory overtime with an inconsistent rotating schedule while trying to be a good wife to my husband, mommy to our three cats (damn those cats!), volunteering at church and local charities, all while dealing with various vitamin deficiencies and autoimmune responses.
When I should have trusted my husband—or better yet, God—to provide for us, I ended up stressed out and overworked. It’s no wonder I ended up in the emergency room with panic attacks. (NOTE TO SELF: your spouse is more important than your job, and stress is the precursor to making more relationship mistakes). You can learn more about the harmful effects of stress and anxiety in my book, Stress Size: How My Hunger for Control Almost Killed Me.
I couldn’t talk to my parents about what was going on because I didn’t want them to judge me or think they were right about getting married too young (even though they were). Raleigh’s patience was wearing thin, and I didn’t have anyone else to turn to.
Learn how to delegate and know when to ask for help. This might require letting go of control (oh, how we love control), but believe me, trimming the fat and getting all of that extra junk off of your plate is totally worth it.
4. Not admitting when you’re wrong
I knew I had a problem and that I needed help, but I kept shoving my issues under the rug hoping they would go away.
They didn’t.
Things got progressively worse and I ended up with a mountain in my living room that kept tripping us up. Eventually, I was faced with the ultimatum of seeking treatment for my emotional issues or losing my husband.
Maybe that seems harsh, but that’s what I needed at the time. I had pre-existing issues with anxiety and depression that started at the age of nine and was married four years before I did anything about it. Perhaps this was too little too late, but in my case, it was better late than never.
5. Being unwilling to embrace imperfection
I was on medication for a while, which I didn’t like, but again, that’s what I needed at the time to get back on my feet. I’d made a lot of mistakes (and still do), and my husband was deeply hurt by my emotional abuse. However, we’d begun the process of healing and were moving on.
If I wanted to have a pity party, I could sit there and beat myself up about all of the mistakes I’d made. Instead, I chose to look forward to a brighter future.
6. Focusing on things that don’t matter
We took some time to assess the problems in our marriage, identify the solutions—and here’s the key—actually implement solutions. We’d done enough talking and crying—it was time for some action! This meant letting go of certain things like too much TV and caring about other people’s opinions. Additionally, this meant embracing other things like self-help books and good spending habits. We did some soul-searching to identify our core values and find our purpose in life.
7. Not seeking guidance or advice
In 2016, we met our mentors and coaches who we’ve been working with ever since. It was the best thing that ever happened to us. The first time I met them, I was struck by the quality of their marriage and how they treated each other. I wanted that!
My husband and I have made more progress working with our mentors in a couple of short years than we had in the previous six years trying to figure things out on our own. Therapy was somewhat useful (self-counseling was not!), but we’ve really come to appreciate being able to seek perspective from people that have the fruit and results we’re looking for in life. Things like a rock-solid marriage, financial independence, and a genuine desire to help other people—what could be better?
8. Trying to change other people
The only person you can change is yourself. Love your spouse/significant other as they are, but too much to let them stay that way. This takes patience, grace, and gratitude. Did I say patience? Yes, lots and lots of patience.
If you don’t possess one (or any!) of these qualities, that’s a really good place to start your internal makeover.
As time goes on, you may discover additional relationship mistakes. These are just more opportunities for you to learn and grow!
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