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As a people-pleaser and recovering perfectionist, I sometimes have a hard time saying no to people. I have a fear of rejection, but even deeper than that, I struggle with self-acceptance and not being “good enough.” That’s why setting boundaries in my life, work, and relationships is so important. If I don’t set boundaries and prioritize my self-care, I’ll end up anxious, depressed, and miserable.
Keep reading to learn how to set healthy boundaries with yourself and others.
1. Understand the importance of setting boundaries.
As much as I’d like to think I’m independent, I often worried about what other people might think of me. I’m afraid that if I say no, that I’ll be weak, or worse, imperfect.
Well, nobody is perfect, and I can’t do it all, but that doesn’t make me weak. I’m strong. In fact, recognizing this makes me stronger, because it means I’m confronting the cultural norm that says, “You’re never enough.”
You don’t have to be “enough” for other people. You only need to be enough for yourself. Are you a better person today than you were yesterday? If yes, you’re making progress, and that’s what counts. If not, what do you need to change?
Learn to let go of perfectionism and people-pleasing. Start saying no. Be firm about saying no when enough is too much.
2. Be honest with yourself about your limits.
We all have our limits. If you keep pushing yourself, you’ll eventually reach a breaking point.
Think back on some of your breaking points (or in my case, mental breakdowns). What happened? What was the straw that broke the camel’s back?
Find that point and draw a line. Give yourself time and space to identify the deeper issues leading up to that point. Crossing the line may set back your healing and perpetuate the pattern.
Backing off isn’t necessarily expressing fear, but simply acknowledging the reality that you may still have some things that you need to work through, and that’s okay.
3. Stretch your capacity on your own terms.
Notice that I say stretch your capacity, not break it.
How many times have you taken on too much, too soon? I’ve done this too many times and I’ve ended up overworked and exhausted.
Learn to prioritize. Ask yourself what you believe in, and if what you’re doing is serving those values and goals. If not, don’t do it. If yes, how can you do more of those things?
Remember, there’s a difference between activity and productivity. Focus on the things that are important to you and are going to make the biggest difference in your life. Being “busy” isn’t an excuse for putting your mental health at risk.
Stretch your comfort zone by doing just a little bit more than you would usually do, until that becomes your new normal. Then stretch again.
4. Practice saying no to people.
It’s okay to say no. Really, it is.
That job or that client or that friend that wants to party on the weekends will survive if you say no. And if you’re afraid of losing your job, or your client quitting, or your friend getting mad at you, let go of the fear. There are other jobs and other clients and other people out there.
Figure out what’s best for you and your health, and do that. FOMO (fear of missing out) is also not an excuse to be anxious, depressed, and miserable.
Conclusion
In some notes I took during church in March 2014, just two months after being diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), I wrote:
We long to be told that we’re good enough, that our life matters. It’s NOT “if you’re good enough, then you’ll be blessed.” We’re already good enough.
Bottom line, you don’t have to be perfect, and you’re not responsible for making other people happy. The only person that you need to be happy with is yourself.
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